Vol. 78, No. 8, August 2005

Leading Through Communication

• How to Become a Leader

by Ellen Ostrow

"Before we can communicate, we must ... know what the recipient expects to see and hear. Only then can we know whether communication can utilize his expectations - and what they are - or whether there is need for the 'shock of alienation,' for an 'awakening' that breaks through the recipient's expectations and forces him to realize that the unexpected is happening." - Peter Drucker¹

Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., is the founder of LawyersLifeCoach LLC, providing personal and career coaching for lawyers. She is editor of the free online newsletter Beyond the Billable Hour. The following tips are excerpted from Issue #27 of the newsletter.

At a presentation by three of the few women university presidents, one shared a story. She'd called her first meeting of her management team (all men) to plan for the upcoming academic year. In her usual "participatory" leadership style, she first invited members of her team to offer their ideas about priorities. The meeting appeared to continue without incident. But as her team left the room, a few participants were overheard saying, "Can you believe her? She can't even make decisions - she has to ask us what to do."

Women are underrepresented in leadership roles in the legal profession and in academia for many reasons.² But this anecdote provides an insight into the workings of one of them. It's not that women don't have the necessary skills. Rather, what lawyers expect from a leader is not what a woman in a leadership role is inclined to do. (While the insights offered here are addressed particularly to women, and while male attorneys may not have to counter normative assumptions in order to be heard, the points about leadership apply equally to both men and women.)

Who Gets Heard

We typically assume that effective communication depends on the speaker. Many women lawyers carefully choose their words so that they'll be heard. Most likely you've asked yourself questions like, "Am I saying this clearly?" "Does this seem too harsh?" "Am I qualifying too much?" "Am I speaking with sufficient authority?"

It's not that these considerations are wrong-headed. It's just that you can't answer them without knowing your audience. As Socrates noted in Plato's Phaedo, you need to talk to others in terms of their own experience. In order to be heard, you must know what the recipient of your message expects to see and hear.

Gender and Communication

In Talking from 9 to 5, Deborah Tannen³ describes the differences in the conversational rituals of men and women based on their typical socialization.

Boys grow up in a world that teaches them to negotiate their status in the group by demonstrating their abilities and knowledge. Since boys tend to look for opportunities to gain status by putting others down, they learn to avoid status-reducing behaviors like inviting feedback, seeking information, revealing doubt, and apologizing. Blunt feedback is viewed by men as honest; therefore a man is more likely to hear whatever is mentioned first as the main point of the feedback.

Childhood cultural rituals not only determine how people speak - they also determine how people listen. We assume that others mean the same things by their words as we would if we'd spoken them. People in positions of power tend to reward styles similar to their own since we all tend to take the logic of our styles as self evident. And since power in the legal profession is still predominantly held by men, the norms of behavior in the legal workplace are based on the style of interaction that is most common among men.

However, girls' conversational rituals are quite different from those of boys. While boys are vying for status, girls are learning to negotiate harmonious relationships. Their conversational rituals emphasize saving face for the other person. Girls learn to downplay their own abilities and certainty, to be indirect rather than "bossy" in telling others what to do, to apologize as an expression of concern, and to exchange compliments. Since girls learn rituals for restoring the status of others, as adults they're more open to seeking advice, assuming that the other person will recognize this "one-down" ritual and pull them back up. Since women learn to protect the other person's feelings, they tend to cushion negative feedback by first focusing on the positive.

But if the norms of the legal workplace reflect a male culture, what happens to women? Downplaying their abilities, being careful to cushion negative evaluations, being indirect, showing doubt, being inclusive, waiting for one's turn to speak, and inviting input are female behaviors that tend to be viewed by men as reflecting a woman's insecurity, weakness, and lack of confidence, and certainly as failing to possess leadership potential. And since it's natural and automatic for people to assume that the person to whom they're speaking shares their rules and assumptions, there's little reason for men in leadership positions to question the logic of their conclusions.

Leadership

A leader is someone able to create a compelling vision and to communicate this vision to others in a way that enlists their action in the service of the vision.

Since communication is such a central leadership function, the gender differences in communication style have important implications for the future of women's leadership in the legal profession.

If the listener IS the message, that is, if effective communication depends on the perceptions, expectations, and motivations of the listener, then how can women communicate their leadership potential to men?

Here are some ways:

1) Understand your listener's expectations. When crafting your message, consider your listener's expectations. There is no one right way to communicate, just as there is no one way that all men - or all women - act. Instead, consider what you know about the person to whom you're speaking. What conclusions have you observed them to make based on the behavior of others? What kind of behavior appears to be effective in getting their positive attention?

2) Fine tune your social radar. Being attuned to the reactions of others as we interact with them is the sine qua non of "emotional intelligence."⁴ To communicate effectively you need to be able to read others. This requires putting aside your own emotional agenda so that you can clearly receive the other person's signals.

Typically, people without power are expected to sense the feelings of those in positions of power, while those who hold power don't feel a similar obligation. But the fact is that this kind of sensitivity is a source of power. It is a skill that the most effective leaders understand. There is no real influence without it.

3) Register emotional cues and attune your message. Effective leaders influence others by anticipating or sensing their audience's reaction to their message. They can sense when their arguments are not having the intended effect and make appropriate adjustments. "Active" listening is essential in this process. You'll need to listen not just to the other person's words, but also to what is unsaid and implicit.

4) Demonstrate the value of hearing. Psychological research⁵ indicates that the listener's motivations are crucial. When you're trying to communicate, your message is more likely to be received in the way you intend if you keep in mind that the receiver must have a stake in perceiving information that is inconsistent with his implicit assumptions and stereotypes. Unless it's clear to your listener that he stands to gain by accurately receiving your message, he's likely to filter it through his assumptions and you risk being misunderstood.

If you're a woman attorney trying to convey your knowledge and competence to someone inclined to perceive you as lacking leadership potential, you'll need to give the other person a reason to listen. Communication that is consistent with the recipient's values, aspirations, and goals is powerful. Finding a way to tailor your message to address a goal your listener wants to achieve - the potential for new business or greater profit - will make you more likely to get heard.

5) Break through expectations. Sometimes the only way to get heard is to directly address your listener's expectations. In the example of the woman university president, she might have mentioned to her team, "I'll bet some of you think that I'm inviting your input because I'm not sure enough myself of what to do." Shining a light on unspoken assumptions can enable your listeners to hear and see beyond their expectations. And your own labeling of the assumptions conveys power and insight, which inspire trust - a key to effective leadership.

If you feel as if you're not being heard, don't blame the listener. Instead, consider recrafting your message so your listener will want, and be able, to hear.

Endnotes

¹Peter F. Drucker, The Essential Drucker 263-64 (New York: Harper Collins, 2001).

²The Difference Difference Makes (Deborah L. Rhode ed., Stanford: Stanford University Press, 2003).

³Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5 (New York: Avon Books, 1994).

⁴Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1998).

⁵Laurie A. Rudman, Self-promotion as a Risk Factor for Women: The Costs and Benefits of Counterstereotypical Impression Management, 74(3) J. Personality & Soc. Psych. 629 (1998).

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