|
|
|
Vol. 73, No. 12, December 2000
|
My Experience with Depression:
Brainstorm
by Gary L. Bakke
|
State Bar President
Gary L. Bakke, U.W. 1965, shares his story in the hope that others
suffering from depression will seek help. Bakke is a founding partner
of Bakke Norman S.C., New Richmond. |
A few years ago, life was not going well for me. Despondency grew.
I hatched
a plan. Suicide is an awful burden for the survivors to carry, so I would
disguise my demise as an accident.
As a jogger, it was not unusual for
me to go out after dark. That provided a perfect opportunity for a dark,
rainy night. I would wait for a semi-truck coming down the long hill approaching
town. Then I would "slip" and fall in front of the oncoming truck.
When should I do it? I needed to get ready. Because this would all be
an accident, it was not possible to leave a note, but my affairs could
be in order. My will was obsolete. The will had been drafted before my
wife and I adopted our two sons, so they were not mentioned. Thus, my
estate, such as it is, was left to my wife and to my daughters from a
former marriage. I would have to fix that before I could leave. The
need to fix my will was the knot at the end of my rope, and I knew it.
Once that was untied, I could slip off the end at any time. I used that
knot. Whenever I was motivated to fix my will, I would stop and remember
that this piece of unfinished business was important to keep me here.
It was preventing a spur-of-the-moment, irreversible decision.
A "brainstorm" is what William Styron1 would have called
it, but that word had been preempted to describe intellectual inspiration.
"Melancholia" would have sufficed for him too, but even that word had
been usurped by a bland noun used indifferently to describe an economic
downturn and a rut in the ground. "Depression." What a wimp of a word
to describe the raging maelstrom inside the head of a sufferer of this
deadly disease.
Ninety percent of the
population will never suffer from depression. The blues maybe, or down
days, but not full-blown, out-of-control, brainstorming, dangerous depression.
This is written for the other 10 percent, and for those who love and care
about them.
The Essence of Depression
For the majority, the illness
will never be fully understood. In order to understand a foreign concept,
we need to relate it to something in our own existence, our own history.
Sadness? Insomnia? Confusion? Anger with self? Hopelessness? All are common
symptoms of depression, and all are commonly experienced emotions for
even healthy people. But they are not depression, and identifying with
those emotions does not lead to an understanding of depression. This lack
of a truly common experience creates a huge barrier to an outsider's grasp
of the essence of the illness. Depression is a disorder of mood that
is virtually indescribable to one who has not personally experienced it.
It makes no rational sense to the emotionally healthy, so all attempts
to explain it rationally are doomed to fail. Yet it is painfully and dangerously
real. The depressed person knows he or she is ill just as surely as
does one suffering from influenza or arthritis. In fact, it is a common
experience of those caught in the grip of a major depression to have an
alter ego that can observe the irrational thoughts. But, because of the
stigma attached to any illness of the brain, many who fully understand
that they are ill attempt to deny or hide their condition. Thus, during
this denial, the cauldron of organic soup simmers until it boils over.
From the outside, depression may appear to be a slowing of functions.
In fact, the term "depression" implies a decrease in activity. The word
and the external manifestations can be deceptive. Consider the automobile
traveling 35 miles per hour down a country road on a January evening -
a leisurely pace at best. Now peer inside at the driver struggling to
maintain control in a raging blizzard. The snowflakes pound on the windshield
like the flurry of thoughts on my window of consciousness - too fast to
count or focus upon individually - and the overall mass obscuring the
objective, to keep the car on the road and make it home safely. Depression
is not necessarily slow or leisurely from the inside. Confusion, failure
of mental focus, lapse of memory, anxiety, obstinate determination, self-defeating
behavior, panic, irrational thoughts, lack of joy, failure of speech,
sleep disruption, agitation, unfocused dread, slowed responses, zero emotional
energy, a blizzard of thoughts, self-loathing - all of which create an
immense aching solitude, a feeling of cosmic loneliness. At this point
many sufferers, like me, come face to face with Camus's fundamental question:
"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide.
Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the
fundamental question of philosophy." - Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus
From
a healthy perspective, I can now say "been there and done that," but at
the time I was suffering, it was impossible to put a light touch on it.
A Chemical Imbalance
Is depression an indication of weak character? Bad
genes? Early childhood trauma? Moral decadence? No. Depression is the
result of a chemical imbalance, no more and no less so than diabetes or
other metabolic disorders. In some people, maybe 10 percent of the population,
stress depletes serotonin and norepinephrine, the chemicals that are essential
to the normal function of the brain's neurotransmitters. If one were truly
of weak character, would Zoloft or Prozac rebuild the missing character
strengths? Could anti-depressant chemicals erase the effects of childhood
trauma? Again, no. It is really quite simple - chemicals replace missing
chemicals. Some people who have been in the mid-summer sun for 12 hours
don't sunburn. Others may experience a serious burn in a short time. What's
the difference? It's the same sun. Same sun, yes, but different individuals.
So it is with stress - same stress - different individuals.
The Downward Spiral
When my personal downward spiral started, I consulted with a local
counselor who probably saved my life. No, she didn't cure my depression
(there is no "cure"), but she did care about me, and her personal caring
was exceedingly important when I had concluded that no one cared. She
helped me see that I was important to my children and others in my life.
Her honest caring bought time for me and started my education into my
own emotional makeup. Yet, I continued down the emotional vortex toward
mental meltdown. My plan to solve it all was carefully considered. It
was workable, and I could implement it whenever I was ready. My knot
at the end of my rope kept me on the planet but didn't accomplish much
else. Relationships deteriorated. Trust was lost. Attorneys and other
acquaintances started to discuss my condition with each other. Some were
frightened, some angry, some confused, and many too involved in their
own lives and problems to notice. But a few stayed with me. Their patience
and understanding in the face of my behavior that could not be rationally
understood saved me. They helped me get to a psychiatrist. What did
they see? How did they know I needed help? Totally irrational paranoia
was probably the first clue for most. Later, as my condition continued
to deteriorate, I left some specific clues. At one time, in a convulsion
of emotional pain, I left the office saying that I did not know when or
if I would be back. I now see that this was a subconscious cry for help.
I also attempted to ask for help directly. I had a hearing scheduled on
a minor, post-judgment matter. A few days before the hearing, realizing
that I was in emotional trouble, I asked the other attorney for an adjournment.
I tried to be straight with him without saying that I was suffering a
mental breakdown. I said that both my client and I were ready for the
hearing and could be there, but that I personally needed some time and
would he please accommodate my personal need. He wouldn't. Because of
the history of my relationship with this other attorney, I thought that
he would understand my request to be an urgent personal need and that,
even if he didn't, I expected him to accommodate my personal need. This
weak direct call for help was absolutely all I could muster. The day that
attorney dismissed my personal plea was the closest I came to sliding
off the end of the rope. My reaction to it left no doubt in anyone's mind
that I was in big trouble. By the time of the hearing, I had to admit
my condition. I asked for a conference in chambers and told the judge
and opposing counsel that I would do the best I could, but that I might
have to leave before the end of the proceeding. With the help of one of
my partners and my legal assistant, I made it through that day - in fact,
my client was 100 percent successful at the hearing. I have little doubt
that if the result had been otherwise, I would not have survived the day.
Epilogue
I
was lucky. I had caring friends and understanding partners, some emotional
insight, and an easily controlled chemical imbalance. For me, Zoloft was
the magic bullet: 100 mg per day of the missing chemicals and life is
good. Without it, I start down the same awful slide. Are things perfect
now? My emotional health is better than it has ever been, but there has
been damage to my personal relationships. In the process of discussing
this essay with friends and family, I scratched open some old wounds,
and I was reminded how much I have hurt those who were close to me. It
will never be the same, but, thankfully, in many ways it is much better.
To the extent that there is permanent damage, it was caused by my behavior,
not by my admission that I suffered from a serious emotional illness.
Denial would have gained nothing but continued pain. My story will not
be identical to anyone else's, so this is not the definitive essay on
depression. We are all unique, and depression manifests itself in strange
and unpredictable ways. This is my own personal story. But if you see
some of yourself or an associate or loved one in some of these passages,
please know that there is help.
Depression is controllable.
1 William Stryon, author of Sophie's Choice and
Pulitzer prize-winning The Confessions of Nat Turner, was a depression
sufferer. His essay describing his personal experience, Darkness Visible:
A Memoir of Madness, Vintage Books, a division of Random House, 1990,
has inspired me to write this.
Resources
For additional information
about depression, consult these resources.
- Burns, D.D., Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy,
New York: Avon Books, 1980 (considered by many to be the best
"self-help" book on depression; is based on cognitive therapy
practices, has lots of practical advice for coping with depression)
- Jamison, K.R., Touched With Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness
and the Artistic Temperament, New York, N.Y.: The Free
Press, 1993 (an irresistible book on the interaction of manic-depressive
illness and the artistic temperament)
- Styron, W., Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness,
New York: Random House, 1990 (a well-known author's autobiographical
account of his own severe depression and his recovery; short and
right to the point)
- Papolos, D. & Papolos, J., Overcoming Depression (rev.
ed.), New York: Harper Collins, 1992 (a practical guide
to the diagnosis and treatment of depression and manic-depression)
- http://www.allaboutdepression.com
(an excellent Web site providing the most significant information
about the assessment and treatment of depression)
- http://members.aol.com/depress/index.html
(an award-winning area on the Web; site provides information in
lay terms about depression and its many forms, symptoms, and treatment)
- http://www.apa.org (site developed
by the American Psychological Association; offers resources for
mental health questions and provides suggestions for dealing with
a variety of mental health problems)
- http://mentalhealth.miningco.com
(a guide to mental health resources on the Net)
- Van Rybroek, Gregory J., Lawyers and Stress: An Anti-Quick
Fix View, and Kozich, Dennis W., Status of Stress
in the Legal Profession,70 Wis. Law 30 (May 1997). Online
at www.wislaw.org/wislawmag/archive/May97/healthy.html.
|
|