Out of Order

Son of Pro Tunc's Unabashed Legal Dictionary

By Nick Pro Tunc

Here's another installment of my loopy legal lexicon. The first two editions are printed in the June and November 1995 Wisconsin Lawyer issues.

Abatement. An underground location, as described by Louie the Lisper.

Abrogate. The latest scandal, involving the executive branch's purported misuse of abros. See also, litigate, infra.

Ad hoc. Another pawn shop.

Affirm. Place where lawyers practice.

Bill of Lading. Nickname given to a noted medieval attorney, based upon the location of his law office. The custom arose when the Lord High Chancellor in England discovered that too many barristers named "William" were appearing before him. Hence, the designation based upon primary place of practice. See also, "Bill of Particulars," "Bill of Rights," and "Bill of Sale." One particularly prominent barrister preferred to retain the formal name of "William," rather than be referred to more casually as "Bill of Orange."

Capias. Pejorative slang term for a plagiarist or capicat.

Causa mortis. Assigning the blame to Mortis, as in "It's all causa mortis."

Caveat emptor. Opposite of a full caveat.

De jure. Fancy French term with which to impress your date at an elegant restaurant; as in, "Garçon, what is the soup de jure?"

Deliberate. To put in prison. Not to be confused with a similar term that applies to the jury's action before reaching the verdict, which results in the defendant being "deliberated."

Demurrer. Conduct that accompanies suaveness, as you inquire about the soup de jure.

Dictum. What Ken Starr alleges Bill Clinton did with his White House interns.

Docket. What you do with a boat.

En banc. Place where you climb after you docket.

Fee Simple. An uncomplicated billing arrangement with no strings attached. Cf., a more complex arrangement with various strings attached, commonly referred to as fee tail.

Foreclosure. A rained out game of golf.

Foreman. A golfer. The person who would have participated in the game but for the foreclosure. See also, foreperson or forewoman.

Forfeit. Tantrum thrown by the foreman due to the foreclosure. Alternatively, tantrum thrown by the foreman due to lack of performance during the game.

Heir. What an appellant claims the trial court did.

Indenture. The wearing of false teeth, especially during the day. At night, outdenture (typically in a glass).

Indigent. Where indenture occurs for a male. To be politically correct (and gender neutral) the proper term is in personam.

Laches. Slang, signifying something that is useless. Derived from the saying: "Laches, we don't need no stinking laches."

Liable. An untruthful bovine.

Litigate. Another government scandal, taking its name after the central character of the scandal, G. Gordon Liti. Sometimes confused with the ignominy surrounding a person with a similar name, G. Walter Mitty, called mitigate.

Mayhem. Adjective describing a nervous attorney with dubious trial skills. Synonym: Mayhaw.

Prima facie. Number one Italian tanning lotion or sunscreen.

Probate. 1) What a commercial fisherman employs. 2) A vice squad officer assigned undercover to counter prostitution.

Prosecutor. A cutor who is unrepresented by counsel.

Res judicata. A contested election for judge.

Restitution. What you do when your tution is dragging.

Nick Pro Tunc has left Cut & Dried S.C. and joined Buffalo, Bamboozle & Hornswoggle, a firm that is even lesser known and respected.