Out of Order
The Corrections Conundrum
By Nick Pro Tunc
With all the brouhaha lately about overhauling Wiscon-sin's criminal
code, building more prisons, "truth in sentencing," and the like,
Horatio Holmes figured it was time he returned to save the day.1 He proposes the following "hang 'em high"
draft legislation.
Section 101. Classifications of crimes and
penalties.
(1) Bad to the bone felons: Twenty years to life
imprisonment, except as provided in sub. (6), the codger clause.
(2) Really remorseful or born-again felons: Five to 20
years' imprisonment.
(3) Can't do the time, but can pay the fine felons: One year
imprisonment plus a huge chunk of change.
(4) Misdemeanors: Up to nine months in jail, a good chunk of
change, or both.
(5) Crime du jour: Any of the above penalties for yet
another addition to the criminal code after the Legislature creates it
in response to media and public pressure, but before the Legislature
finishes debating about how bad to stick it to the alleged offender.
(6) Codger clause: Lifers are eligible for release when the
lifer reaches age 80 or when nobody can remember why the lifer is in the
joint, whichever occurs first.
(7) Definitions. As used in sub. (3), a "huge chunk of
change" shall mean an amount sufficient to ruin the offender and take
away all the offender's toys; as used in sub. (4), a "good chunk of
change" shall mean an amount sufficient to make the offender whine
perpetually.
Section 102. Penalty enhancers or reducers. If an
offender does any of the following the penalty for the underlying crime
may be increased or decreased accordingly:
(1) Wears a Richard Nixon or Spiro Agnew mask while perpetrating the
crime, increased one year.
(2) Proclaims "I am not a crook" anytime before or during sentencing,
increased two years.
(3) Blames either Mikey, Elvis, Big Foot or extraterrestrials,
increased six months.
(4) Mutters "Curses, foiled again" when apprehended, reduced three
weeks with effective mustache twirling. This subsection does not apply
to persons (male or female) devoid of mustachios.
Section 103. Sentencing guidelines. The Blue Ribbon
Commission on Occasionally Getting Tougher on Crime shall promulgate and
periodically tinker with mandatory sentencing guidelines, which shall be
set forth in the administrative code. The court shall impose sentence
according to the guidelines found in either:
(1) "Schedule A" for use when things are normal or have gotten back
to normal.
(2) "Schedule B" for use when the court faces a hotly contested
reelection, the most recent crime statistics are released and the news
is bad, or some particularly nasty person does something really naughty
and the community is up in arms.
Section 104. Probation. The court may, in the proper
case, place the offender on probation, provided:
(1) The offender doesn't live or work in my
neighborhood.
(2) The offender has to register with the local police, district
attorney, national guard, coast guard, FBI, CIA, Interpol and other
unspecified - but to be determined - law enforcement agencies. The court
may, in exceptional cases, order that the offender check in with and
profusely apologize to any local wild-eyed citizens' vigilante
groups.
Section 105. Creativity in sentencing. As a
condition of probation or in lieu of all or any part of a fine or jail
time the court may order any or all of the following:
(1) The public singing or recitation of all the verses in "I Fought
the Law and the Law Won." At its option, the court may order the
breaking of rocks in the hot sun.
(2) The writing of an autobiographical account (with or without
ghostwriters) of the offender's life and crime and, if the autobiography
would appeal to a reader with an I.Q. of less than 50, further order the
offender to market the book. Profits or proceeds from the book or any
other form of notoriety, including talk shows and tabloids, shall be
turned over to the offender's victim or victims.
(3) Random checks for possession of drugs, alcohol or spare change.
Spare change will be disposed of in the same manner as profits or
proceeds in sub. (2).
Nick Pro Tunc formerly served on the
Blue Ribbon Commission on Occasionally Getting Tougher on Crime, but was
booted off when it was discovered that he secretly is an old
softy.
Endnotes
1 Holmes' model
juvenile code, set forth in 70 Wis. Law. 72 (Feb. 1997), met with a
favorable response but has yet to be enacted.
Wisconsin Lawyer