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Vol. 70, No. 2, February
1997
Out of Order
Juvenile Justice: A modest model proposal
By Nick Pro Tunc
World famous criminologist Horatio Holmes
1 has been studying Wisconsin's new Juvenile
Justice Code (Chapter 938). Holmes commends the code's drafters. However,
he believes that the code is too complex to be understood by the average
underage scofflaw and, hence, not as effective a deterrent as intended.
Holmes has authored a model juvenile act, set forth in part below.
Section 101. Definitions.
In this chapter:
- 1) "Kid" means anybody under the age of 18.
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- 2) "Nice" means cleaning your room, paying attention in school,
eating all your vegetables or letting the fat kid play on your team.
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- 3) "Naughty" means disobeying the rules.
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- 4) "Naughty but nice" means, without limitation, helping
the slow kid cheat on his or her exam, or eating all of your sibling's
vegetables so that the sibling doesn't have to.
Section 102. Jurisdiction.
The court shall have exclusive jurisdiction over all naughty kids who
are at least 10 years of age, or old enough to know better, whichever is
less. Otherwise, the court shall have concurrent jurisdiction with the Fat
Guy in the Red Suit over kids who are naughty but nice.
Section 103. Waiver.
The court may waive a naughty kid into adult court if the kid is:
- 1) 12 and has violated a state statute, local ordinance or torn the
"do not remove" tags from a pillow;
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- 2) 13 and has violated a school rule, provided that if the violation
is heinous enough the court may refer the kid to the principal's office
in lieu of adult court; and
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- 3) 14 and has violated a parental rule, provided that a minimum of
two weeks' "grounding" has proven fruitless.
Section 104. Intake.
- 1) A naughty kid may be taken into custody and held in secure detention
when any of the following occur:
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- a) the kid denies the violation and blames it on Mikey;
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- b) the kid is big for his or her age and may beat up on all the nice
kids that turned the naughty kid in; and
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- c) the kid cheats by leaping over a tall fence when pursued by a law
enforcement officer who has spent too much time at the donut shop.
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- 2) A naughty but nice kid may be held in constructive detention after
school for a minimum of one-half hour in order to make the kid sweat before
a scolding is administered.
Section 105. Juvenile Court Procedure.
- 1) A naughty kid shall enter a plea of "did not" or "did
so" at his or her initial appearance.
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- 2) Only a naughty kid shall be entitled to a trial; the trial shall
be without a jury, last no longer than one hour (including potty breaks),
and the accused shall be entitled to only one lame excuse.
Section 106. Disposition. The court may, in addition to delivering
a stern and insufferable lecture, order any or all of the following:
- 1) Restitution. The kid may be forced to get a job in order
to pay for the damage done and, if the damage is more than $500, be further
ordered to learn how to spell "restitution" correctly.
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- 2) Loss of car keys. A kid may forfeit the right - present or
future - to borrow the car keys and, worse, have to endure the agony of
having a parent or guardian drive him or her on a date or other social
gathering.
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- 3) Suspension of "hanging out" privileges. The kid
may be barred from malls, video arcades, fast food restaurants or any public
places considered "neat" or "cool."
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- 4) Dress like a geek. A kid may be compelled to go clothes shopping
with his or her parent or guardian and actually have to wear the clothes
in public that the parent or guardian selects.
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- 5) Jail/secure correctional facility. This is the last, least
effective alternative, since a kid will always prefer "doing time"
over the foregoing more humiliating sanctions.
1 Holmes' work has appeared in this column
before. See 67 Wis. Law. 72 (July 1994).
Nick Pro Tunc practices with Cut & Dried S.C.,
where they are never delinquent in their quest to age gracefully while kidding
around. |