This article is published courtesy of the October 2009 edition of Voice of Experience newsletter, published by the State Bar Senior Lawyers Division.

Oct. 21, 2009 – In recent years, some forward thinking attorneys developed the process of Collaborative Divorce in an effort to minimize the bitterness and hostility that are often byproducts of the divorce process and to create a more amicable resolution to the end of a relationship. This manner of divorcing tends to provide a higher level of support for the parties and assists them in maintaining their relationship at a healthier level, which should enable them to more successfully co-parent in the future. But what about the children?

While the children of divorce do benefit from this collaborative system as well, they have need of additional assistance and support when faced with familial divorce. Grandparents can provide a crucial aspect of that support. When counseling grandparents, attorneys can provide invaluable assistance in setting the tone and stage for their role in providing care and constancy for their grandchildren. Further, when advising clients whose children are divorcing, these ideas can not only help to preserve the relationships involved, but also save clients years of frustration and heartache from being embroiled in bitter custody and visitation disputes.

1. Stability is the key – Research on children of divorce has shown that the most important aspect in their adjustment to this new family status is experiencing stability while it is taking place. Helping children to keep the details of their children’s lives the same to the greatest extent possible can only assist the adjustment. The kids can thrive in a multitude of settings, but if they are able to stay in the home they have been living in, continue with their current day care arrangement, maintain involvement in the same dance class or athletic pursuits, it’s a simpler adjustment for them. Any way a grandparent or other caring adult can play a role in maintaining this sameness for the children will benefit them and ease their transition to this new life stage.

2. Grandparents may be able to help out in many ways, but should take care not to take over – even if they do know best! The goal is help and support, not management. Let the parents call the shots, but as often and in as many ways as they can, their parents should make themselves available to assist and support these efforts. They should be on hand to help when needed and work to be as flexible as possible when it comes to scheduling.

For example, your client might prefer to baby-sit on Saturday afternoons, but if that is the best time for a harried parent to spend time relaxing and enjoying her children after a busy workweek, grandma should take care to respect that. On the other hand, mom might really appreciate a grandparent being available to step in to perform a task the other parent has always taken care of, such as retrieving a child from school or day care and taking him to his swimming class which starts before she gets home from work. Advising clients to make an effort to fit into the lives of children and grandchildren, rather than interfere with family plans and functioning, can make this difficult time easier for all involved.

Help clients to be creative in looking for other ways to help. If they have the time and ability, it is wonderful for grandparents to help out with school clothes, school shopping or the variety of little things that really add up for parents in terms of time and money. If unable to foot the bill for the expenses, simply volunteering to take the child to do the shopping can be a big help to their own harried offspring attempting to juggle work, home, and other responsibilities as a newly single parent.

3. Grandparents should resist the temptation to pry from either children or grandchildren and may need to hear this quite directly from their esteemed counselor – more than one time. Asking for information that is not being offered is likely to irritate their children, but may do worse for their grandchildren. It can put them in the awkward position of feeling as if they are tattling on one of their parents and can contribute to the emotional distress they feel. Know that when they want to talk, they will. Advise clients to be open to listening when they need an ear, rather than attempting to force the issue.

4. Suggest ways for your clients to offer emotional support as well. Asking “How are you doing?” or “How can I help?” can open the doors for a young child wondering how to start talking about what is happening in his life. Asking open-ended questions will send the message that they are interested and can provide the impetus for a heart-to-heart talk with a grandchild struggling to make sense of his new life. Just listening when he needs to talk or vent can make a world of difference to him. Remind them that they don’t need to solve it; all they have to do is listen.

5. Counsel grandparents to spend the time to develop a relationship with each grandchild. Each child is a separate and unique individual and may need different things from them than a sibling or cousin. Helping each child to feel valued and special can go a long way toward assisting in their adjustment to the divorce. Busy parents may not have the time or energy to devote to each child to the extent needed. Grandparents can have a big impact by giving to each according to his need. They should look for some way to connect with each young person, something the two of them can share, be it an interest in crafting, sports, gardening, or antique automobiles.

6. Don’t Say It! Strongly advise clients to struggle against the urge to disparage (even in a very subtle manner) their grandchildren’s other parent. To survive this experience with the least amount of damage, helping clients to understand that grandchildren need to love and respect both of their parents, even if one of them is hurting their child can go a long way toward minimizing destructive comments. They should take care to say positive things to grandchildren about both of their parents, subtly giving them permission to care about both mom and dad and letting them know it is acceptable to discuss their other parent as well. Children may hesitate to mention the other parent, afraid that a comment might be painful for the grandparent or likely to invoke their wrath. They should be generous with their comments about both, even in the face of their own, or their child’s, pain.

This is not only a good idea as far as the relationships and grandchildren’s adjustment are concerned, but it is good legal advice as well. Bad mouthing a child’s spouse or the other grandparents can jeopardize the grandparents’ opportunity for visitation and can jeopardize their child’s standing before the judge. If it looks to the judge as if a grandparent is attempting to influence a visitation schedule by trying to influence a child’s position on placement, the attempt can backfire and lead to a negative outcome for their child. Any lawyer counseling a grandparent would be wise to address this with his client to minimize the potential of negative influence before it can arise. The temptation is often quite strong to “set the record straight” in a divorce situation and can lead to extremely negative consequences.

Grandparents have a unique and precious role to play in a grandchild’s life and family. Seniors also most likely have the time and the life experience to provide invaluable assistance to them and to their parents in overcoming what is probably the greatest challenge of their lives. Being able to be involved and provide assistance of any kind at this time can lead to a stronger bond and a better adjustment for those most precious to you. Use your role as your client’s closest advisor to help them make the right choices in supporting grandchildren in this time of need and setting the stage for a positive post-divorce adjustment.

Diane M. Berry, JD, MSW, LCSW is a Clinical Social Worker and author of Child-Friendly Divorce: A Divorce(d) Therapist’s Guide to Helping Your Children Thrive! (Blue Waters Publications, 2004)

This article is published courtesy of the October 2009 edition of Voice of Experience, published by the State Bar Senior Lawyers Division. The State Bar offers its members the opportunity to network with other lawyers who share a common interest through its 26 sections and 4 divisions. Membership includes access to newsletters, email lists to facilitate information sharing, and other resources.